jackettalk

My niece, Jordi, is the most interesting little human there is. She has recently turned 5 years old yet has the mental capacity of a 21 year old women. She is quizzical and intuitive. She constantly asks why things are the way they are. For example, Julia, her older sister barely acknowledges when their father doesnt come home from work on time. But Jordi will always ask, "where is daddy? he is working late? Wont he get hungry at work all alone?" This is NOT the type of question a 5 year old, self absorbed child should be asking. It is caring. It is full of concern. It suggests something about her inner beauty.

When someone keeps Jordi waiting and then after arriving late for the tuck in at bedtime then proceeds to comment on what a "stinker" she is (clearly in joke fashion; she isnt the smelly kid in class or anything) she won't get upset or angry. She will merely ask, "how can I possibly be a stinker when I waited for you so patiently?" To which her aunt (me) will laugh wildly and run over and hug her for being so damn succinct.

Halloween is tomorrow. Jordi is going as a fairy or "Fairweee" as Jordi would say since she has trouble with R's and Y's. And true to the October 31st fashion, it will be cold outside. Which inenvitably results in children everywhere wearing their jackets over their coolio costumes, much to their dismay. Once Jordi has shown me the tiny leotard and wings that encompass her costume my first thought is, "oh man. She isnt going to get away with that. She will be furious that she must wear a jacket." but instead of saying that I simply ask, "won't you be cold muffin?" and she responds with NO hesitation, "Probably. but I will just wear my jacket." This shocks me. Only logical parents and aunts who prefer warmth to cold would see this as a necessity for the costume. But this 5 yr old has already decided that it's okay. Her costume isn't ruined with the massive parka overtop.

"Your jacket? But then you wont see the costume. Does that bother you?" says I.
"Well" hesitates for a second, looks up, collects her thoughts, "Well, I dont want to be cold. I know what my costume is. And that is good enough."

I would have rather suffered frost bite to the extreme as a child than wear my jacket over my rad costume. I fought and screamed and cried with my mother every year over this losing battle. So when she confidently responded this way it surprised me to no end. And reaffirmed to me just how amazing my little niece is and how much I cant wait to get to know her when she grows up.

I am going as an emo kid for halloween and n0 longer have any qualms about wearing my jacket overtop of it, due to some recent inspiration.

same page sally's.

It is refreshing when you find out that two other people, relatively close in your age bracket with the same amount of common sense and experience, also dropped their goal setting and accomplishing attitude for a while, post school.

I thought I was the only one. I thought I was the black sheep of the post undergraduate accomplices, who didnt want a big girl job or wanted to travel or wanted to really do anything. It was starting to become a rather large fear of mine. But I realized that sitting in this position and for the first time in my life not really making ANYTHING happen, staying stagnant, felt okay for the time being. so, if I was happy and wasn't furiously searching for the next big step, then who cares if it isn't the norm?

Turns out, a lot of you feel this way too. In fact, two of you work with me and needed a half bottle of wine to get the courage to share it at dinner. YOU both have goals that took the back burner..you are just trying to realign yourself after a grueling four years in Toronto, the Yukon (who the fuck goes to school in the yukon I ask her?) and Laurier.

"Okay, so YOU also are finding yourself without a plan and no real desire to accomplish anything substantial?" - me.

"Umm yeah, its kind of like I was so moved for so long and now I am just not moved (wha???) and I want to have some sex with donkeys and also dri- (blelch. cough..slight throw up in mouth.) Driiinnkkkkkk, motha fuckers!" - my suppose-ed same page friend, jess.

I think we all know what she meant. She wants to take it easy for a bit. Collect her thoughts and ruin her liver in the process.

I finally decided in that moment that there is definately nothing wrong with my new decision. Edgework theatre company, here I come.

horrifically sexual saturdays

This Saturday marked my first day off in 11 days! AND: The annual "everything to do with Sex" exhibition at, well, the exhibition in Toronto. SO I went.

Rows and rows of sexy stands laden with dildos/vibrators and imitation pleather. Couples everywhere attempting to put spice back into their dull, comfortable relationships. And Star trek fans dressed to the nine as their favourite character. clemens thought that they had stumbled into the wrong convention, but we quickly learned they were demonstrating to the public their sexual fetish. shudder.

Most of the time we approached stands with the intent to jackass and mock the exhibitors. Like the foreign man who tried to sell me a skull candle, but when chris asked, "are these candles Kosher?" he said, "yes, you can hold them up to a window if you like." Demonstrating that one: this candle really has nothing to do with sexual encounters and two: the man really didnt know what kosher means.

The candlemaker did not recieve my money.

Some things however, were quite informative. Like the seminar presented on "g-spots and p-spots" and the love machine for women, that holds up to four friends at one time. Who needs a man when you have a penis on a stick to penetrate you and all of your acquaintances?

The sex show was a blast and I left with knowledge on Hedonistic resorts in the bahamas and how a vibrating condom works. Yee haw.

To combat the sexual experience that was our afternoon, we decided to attend the "toronto after dark film festival" on bloor for the evening. It's date was conveniently set around halloween as every indy film was supposed to be a mystery or horror. Unfortunately, they werent showing the swedish version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I sat two seats away from my date, watching a subtitled Japanese film that was not scary nor mysterious. In fact, I fell asleep during it two times only to wake up reminding myself that this hideousness cost me 20 bucks. Indy films sometimes really piss me off.

So we stumbled home. buzzed off of cheap wine, cigarettes and terrible cinema. Oh and a little horny....days off are the best when you live on the cusp of the GTA.

three reasons.

Three reasons why I really like Greg White:

1) He screams "TACO DAVE" in a high pitched voice in my ear when I am trying to work.
2) He has interesting facts on homeless people and why they shouldn't get your money, (after I was quite upset that one said to me, "You think your so fucking wonderful!")
3) He has really cool hair.


Three reasons why I really like Laura and kate:

1) They both get faaaaaaaaaaarr too drunk when they drink and molest me.
2) They hung up on me when I told them I wanted to change my name to an equally lame version of my current name..Kari.
3) They both DESPISE my breakfast sandwiches, and I am currrently making one right now.


Three reasons why I really hate Satan:

1) He is entirely red and that makes me irritable.
2) He keeps calling and asking me to do bad things.
3) He is a costume cop-out for stupid girls everywhere who just want to look like sluts for halloween (sexy devils anyone?)

blaaaaahhhhh

My delicious co worker and I stayed for $2 beers after work. He drums. He is a drummer. And because of that we talked about music (duh.) for an hour. I really enjoy arguing about which ben gibbard song has the best symbolism and why emo kids should die at concerts. It somehow makes it worthwhile that I have spent close to 2000 dollars on cds and now possess the carnal knowledge to discuss these cd's at length.

So because of this, if you were to perchance say to me that you liked "everything in music", I would walk out on the conversation.


It sounds snobby n'es pas? well it is. I am a snob and I don't stand for openmindness.

Tell me what you love and tell me what you hate. For some reason it is after this disclosure that I will refrain from judging you...but when you keep it to yourself, I judge you even more.

Im buzzed.

And not from drinking.

From the satisfaction that comes with getting your very own place in Downtown T.O.

Thats right. I have finally committed myself to a lease for a bachelor apartment that is basically the size of a cubicle and has a bar sink and bar fridge for a kitchen.

BUT...It is mine. all mine. NO roomates. No loud music that isnt mine. No dirty dishes for someone to own up to. And it comes with sassy rainbow street signs and a slice of homosexual. And you, you are invited too. To relish in the gayness that is church and wellesley and curl up in the corner of my walk-in-closet apartment. Perhaps this growing up thing isnt so bad. It comes with feelings of independence that result in a wicked ass buzz.

Although, I must admit, the celebratory glass (or three) of red wine may be contributing to my amazing buzz...but who cares.

I have my own apartment.

in between..

In between co workers telling you to, "do acid and then go to the AGO, you mind will be blown and you will redo your entire value system" and engaging in platonic activities with a not so platonic friend from your past....I discovered:

I am getting more and more in tune with my dreams ever since this "friend" gave me a brief, but informative lesson on surrealism. The untidy theory that suggests reality and dreamland are not so far off each other. so I keep having dreams in which I am confronted by people and demons from my past and they ask me in a very vague mannerism why I do the things I do and make the choices I make, which is somewhat unsettling since I am wrestling with those thoughts on a conscious level everyday.

In non-dreamland, I cant seem to figure out what I want from people or what I want to do. I don't want to travel,..I dont want to work. I definately dont want to go back to school..(yet). However, I also dont want to lie around. And I definately dont want a relationship. This basically exhausts all post undergraduate options and I want none of it? How could this be? I had four years to figure out what I would want to do and trained and trained in the grueling race that is business admin only to be more confused post degree (oh and very very single...)

We use the "school" thing as our excuse to buy time; to avoid the real world in all its mightyness until we can't put it off any longer.

But now, I cant even avoid it when I sleep. My former ex's (cone, kade etc..) are constantly coming up to me in my dreams; in my makeshift sub-created cubicle and asking me...where did you go wrong, you had it all figured out. what happened?? For me its seemingly unfitting that someone I obviously didnt see a future with would be questioning me constantly about my future in my dream.

Im sure their is a surrealistic dream meets reality reason for all this...but I crave a popcicle and they are upstairs. So perhaps I will ask them tonite; what the hell it is that they want.